I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
