Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
