I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
