I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
