i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
