Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
