You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
