I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
