I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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