I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
