This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
