I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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