I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
