Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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