'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
