What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Randomize
