If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
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