I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
