Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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