My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
