he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
