The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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