we're blogging at a bar
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I am one with the molecules
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
