Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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