Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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