There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
