he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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