Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
