I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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