So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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