I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
