time to smoke my breakfast
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
