an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
