so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
4 words: hood of his car
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
