No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
