guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
