On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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