I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
