my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
