Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
