Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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