They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
