i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
