Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
