Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Then you guys just all showered together...?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
