im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
