and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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