i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
