your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
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