He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
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i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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