She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
