Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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