Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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