I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
