I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
