Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
