bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
