It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
